Awake
by Eevee
Summary: Jesse's thoughts on waking up in the wrong bed [Rocketshipping]


Disclaimer: Nintendo among others owns these characters, not me. Buy some Pokèmon merchandise and read the entire list of (c)s and (r)s there.  
  
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I know you are awake. When you were asleep you weren't squeezing my hand like that. Not to mention that you breathed like a normal sleeping person when you actually were. And I saw that you opened your eyes. It's no use in pretending you're not awake, because I know you are, you know that I know, and it is too late anyway.  
Too late for me to leave, to late to pretend nothing happened, too late to turn back.  
I'm staring into the ceiling.  
I slept with my brother last night.  
Okay. Then perhaps you aren't technically my brother. I just sort of counted you as that. And it does feel sort of weird. I won't even try to imagine what it were like for you. I mean, you're... you! You're just not the person to sleep with others. Well, maybe everyone of us are. Just that... I couldn't imagine you doing it.  
Well, you were drunk. Might've been the answer. And even then you were afraid. It was weird. And I will never know what possessed me to do it. Well, I was drunk too. Is that an excuse? People do all sorts of things when they are drunk. They do... they...  
Nobody sleeps with their brother when they're drunk. That's just the way it is. It's gross. And this doesn't feels gross. Even though you are my brother. No, you are not. But I always thought of you as that, and when I do, you are, I mean...  
I'm only confusing myself. You are NOT my brother.   
But isn't this still supposed to feel gross?  
Maybe it isn't.   
I could've left. I've been awake for a long time. And if I did leave it wouldn't be any problem. Perhaps you would tell yourself you were dreaming. Perhaps you just wouldn't dare mention it. Perhaps you wouldn't want to mention it. But if I left it wouldn't have happened. We would have drunken that wine and been giggly and laughed over that incredibly bad movie, and then went to sleep in our own rooms, and I would never have woken up in this bed. If this is what stealing a valuable pokèmon leads to I'm not sure if I want to steal ever again. This is confusing me too much.  
It's your fault, you know. One of us has to take the guilt, and that sure as hell won't be me. You were the lesser drunk of the two of us, you could have stopped me. Well, of course I was the one that jumped on you. And you did struggle. A lot. But you gave in, that is my point. You gave in when you shouldn't have done it, and that ended with this. You are the man. The man is the one seducing the woman, always, in all my romance novels. Even if the woman is the one practically ripping his clothes off. Well, then perhaps I can understand you. But still. I won't take any responsibility for this, and you know it.  
And now you are awake, and I am awake, and we can't pretend last night wasn't something out of the usual.  
We can't be like this forever. Sooner or later one of us has to speak. That, or Meowth comes in, which he will soon enough if you don't go out there and make him breakfast.   
I was going to leave. Really. But my head hurts, and I didn't start to think clearly before I suddenly was staring into your eyes, and it was all too late, and now I can't do anything but look away from you and pretend I didn't see what we both knew I saw. Do you know how weird it is to see you asleep? It makes so much of you go away, and leaves only the core of you left... it's like all masks you are wearing all day are gone, and what is left is the sweet and vulnerable thing that is your soul. I wonder if I am the same. Somehow, I doubt it. I need my masks too much to ever let go of them.  
I don't know what time it is, but it's probably early if Meowth still is asleep. I want to slumber off again, but I don't dare, because even if I do, you wont, and I know you are going to look at me, and think about me. You probably are already. You're not looking at me, of course, but you are thinking about me. What else? How could you possible think about anything else after this?  
So I am still laying here, in your bed, staring into the ceiling of your room as you are clutching my hand like it's the only thing keeping you alive and trying to pretend you are still sleeping as peacefully as you were minutes before.   
_Jesse?_  
Oh no. You are talking. I can't pretend anymore now. It has come. We have to face it.  
_What?_  
I'm not going to take the blame for this.   
_Do you care about me?_  
What kind of question was that?!  
_Would I stick up to you all the time if I didn't?_  
Please don't pull this any longer. Please. I can't go there. Not now.  
_You know I didn't mean it that way._  
No such luck.  
_Why do you bother?_  
Don't look so hurt. Do you know what that does to me? How it makes something inside of me ache?  
_Because I care about you._  
What? Where did that come from?! Please... Don't say anything, I don't want to hear it...  
_And it won't ever be the same._  
Like I don't know. Can we please talk about something else? Like if this will get us problems, or what to tell Meowth, or how this was your fault, or...  
You are kissing me.  
That does shut my mind up. Because nobody ever kissed me that way. It's not like those kisses from last night, those kisses I forced on you, those kisses you later accepted, those kisses you returned to me at last...  
It's almost like we aren't kissing at all, because your lips are barely touching mine, and the only other part of our bodies touching are our hands, and it makes me feel like crying. Because I realize that I want you to kiss me.   
But you are my brother.  
No, I correct myself, you are not.  
Don't tell me you are crying. I open my eyes again, and you are looking at me in such a way as if there is something you desire more than your own life, and you can't have. Do I really mean that much to you?  
_Are you really sure you don't care about me?_  
Please, James...  
_I do love you, Jesse. Even if this wasn't the way I'd want you to know._  
You said it. The words that aren't supposed to be said. Thank you so much, Mr. "I can't keep my stupid feelings for myself when it is for the best for us all". Now I am even more confused.  
_What do you think Meowth will say?_  
_You didn't answer my question._  
Do you HAVE to?!  
I'm not going to say anything. This is too stupid. You are too stupid. Okay? These aren't things we talk about!   
I want to yell it at you, but I don't. I just glare.  
And it makes you cry.   
_I see..._  
Do you have to look that way when you are crying? Don't you know that it makes me want to cry myself because I do such a thing?  
You let go of my hand then, as you are turning away, for some ridiculous reason trying to hide your tears from me. What is the use? You know that I know you are crying anyway. So why are you doing this? Why are you laying down again like that, pulling up you sheets so cold air slips in against the bare skin of my back and hiding your face under it?  
I didn't mean it! Don't you know that I didn't mean it?  
You are so stupid. The fact that you are pressing your nose into that pillow isn't keeping me from knowing how weak you are.   
So why does it make me touch your like that? Why does it make me tell you not to cry? Why does it make me unable of being who I always am around you?  
Why does it make me kiss you?  
I don't know that. I don't know anything. All I know is that when I kiss you it makes you stop crying, and that somehow we end up with arms and legs tangled, and you are with me again, and I don't care about knowing at all, because I suddenly realize that I need this closeness, that I need you to touch me like that, that I need to feel your kisses which are not at all like mine were...  
And I forget it all. The bed, the room, the confusion, the angst, all of it fades away and leaves only you and me and bliss, and I don't care, I don't want to care, because all of sudden all that matters are you, and what you are doing to my me, my body, my mind, my soul, my entire being.  
And I when it is over I am falling again, landing softly in the bed, in your arms, pressing my body close to you, and I think I'm crying. I didn't know that, but I think I am. I don't want it to be gone. I want to stay this way forever, when my eyes are closed and you don't speak and make me think about things I don't want to think about, and when all the world can go to hell for what I care, because I am with you.  
And I don't know what makes me feel that way, but something does, and this something is scaring me. I'm not supposed to be like this. I am supposed to walk out of here like I did with everybody else, leaving you alone and not give a damn about what you feels, but I don't, I can't make myself do it.  
I am loosing control.   
It is that simple. I can't control myself any longer, I can't resist the temptation of staying here, in this safe bubble that is my world at the moment, in your arms. I am pushing away the reality of the world, I don't ever want it to come back, not as long as you are holding me like this...  
Meowth enters. Of course he does. He bursts through the door and wants to know if you are going to sleep for long, because he wants his breakfast, and then he yells, and I tell him to get the hell out, and when he at last is gone I look back at you, and I know that it is shattered, that what was is gone now, and you are only you again, looking scared and sad and fragile at me, and I turn away from you, move too fast for your arms to slip around me again as I step out from the warmth under the sheets and out into the chill of your room.   
I can almost hear you crying when I do, but I ignore it. I'm me again, and I can do this to you, because... I think it is because Meowth knows. When Meowth knows this isn't just something between you and me anymore, a dream too beautiful to be true. It is something that happened for real, something we have to face, and live with, and be able to explain to the rest of the world.  
And it was all your fault.  
  
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*Blinks* Wow. I didn't know I could write stuff like that anymore... the scary part was that I didn't plan to at all either.  
  
Okay, I edited this (fixed a few bad sentences) just to add this note after everybody telling me how this was not ooc (because I, of course, had to moan about how ooc it probably was like I always do):  
As said, it was written in the middle of the night and finished and uploaded the next morning, and I didn't even bother reading through it. Then, of course, there's another fact.  
There are tons of angsty rocketshippy fanfics out there. I've seen zero that actually stays in character. So why oh why should I be able to do that deed?  
Okay, I realize that I actually did it, but back then, after a night with way too little sleep and way too much caffeineated soda, it didn't even stand as a possibility, because writing Team Rocket serious and ic is hard, to write Team Rocket angsty and ic is barely possible (some does it, though), and to write rocketshipping, _rocketshipping_, "Jesse and James in love with each other", angsty and in character, was just impossible.   
(Oh, another fact nobody cares about: What started this thing was the memory of the girl in my class who had gotten plastered on a party and spent the night making out with her brother (thus the entire "I slept with my brother" deal). We had great fun with it the next day.)  
  
See what I mean? Good. *sigh* And when I for once thought I'd managed to write something with author's notes that were shorter than the rest of the story...  



End file.
